I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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