Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
