Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
