Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
