I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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