I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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