I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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