New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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