woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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