So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
