is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
