booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He shit in the fireplace
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
