what day is it and did you see me today?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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