I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
50% drunk capacity currently
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
