My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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