It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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