i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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