I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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