How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
