I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize