Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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