So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
