apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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