I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize