Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
