He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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