mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
