got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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