my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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