I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
