Michael Bay diarrhea
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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