I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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