Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
