I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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