I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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