i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
