America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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