Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
