i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
