how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
