Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
