I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
