You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize