I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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