At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
