I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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