Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
