Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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