All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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