she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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