So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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