The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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