Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
