Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
