Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
