Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
