She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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