There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
