I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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