At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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