you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
A+ Viking dick
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
