I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
