he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
