Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
