well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
