WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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