I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize